So if you peruse the internets, you’re likely to find a million posts in which people are detailing their resolutions for 2010. I think that’s kind of silly, to be honest. I mean, if you are serious about making a change in your life, why do you need to wait until January to do it? I have things that I want to accomplish over the next year, but they are the same goals I have had for the last several months — mainly to get my shit together, be healthier, and be a better Mom to Lauren. Easy peasy, eh?

Nevertheless, I understand that some people may not be as together as I am, and might just be struggling with their making their own resolutions. Perhaps they don’t know what goals to make, or how to go about achieving them. Well, people — as always, I am here to help. I have made my list of all-purpose resolutions. Feel free to choose any or all of them for yourself.

• Stop driving slow in the fast lane. That is the left-hand lane, for those of you who don’t know. I realize that you believe that you are setting a good example by going EXACTLY the speed limit in that lane, but I like to go a little faster. And that’s just between me and the Highway Patrol, so let it go. Move your hiney over and let me pass you. Thanks.

• When shopping, please be mindful of where you are in relation to the people around you. It’s not polite to stop your cart in the middle of the aisle while you flip through your massive stack of coupons, making it impossible for me to move around you. And when you look up and see that I am coming toward you, do NOT go back to your coupons, thereby forcing me to announce my presence by saying “Excuse me!” You will only piss me off.

• If you suffer from allergies or any other upper respiratory ailment, please do not snort, hack or gag on your secretions in my presence. I am a nurse and can deal with bodily secretions on a daily basis, but that grosses me out, dude! Knock it off!

• Pull up your pants. No one wants to see your underwear, and that look is so 2000 anyway.

• Just make an ATTEMPT to act like a parent when you’re out in public with your kids. I’m a parent and I take care of kids for a living, and yet I still want to smack the crap out of yours when they scream in the middle of the grocery store. Ignoring them isn’t going to make the situation any better, and it’s going to make you look like an idiot to me. I would appreciate a “shhh, honey” so I can tell that you are at least aware of the situation.

• Stop making screwed up faces in pictures. You are not a gangster and it’s not sexy.

• When you are waiting for an elevator, please allow the people to exit the car before you enter. Trust me, you will make it on before the doors close. And if you don’t, just push the button and WHOA! They will open again. There’s no need to crush the poor occupants of the car because you have a panic disorder.

• Stop using Facebook to a) declare your love for your significant other in EVERY SINGLE STATUS UPDATE, and/or b) describe in detail what you are doing. I don’t care what you’re making for dinner, or what you’re watching on TV. If you violate this rule more than once, you will be hidden from my feed.

• Stop complaining that your husband wants to have sex with you. If it’s that excruciating, one or both of you is doing it wrong. Be grateful that you have someone to share your life with, and if it’s not as awesome as you want it to be, get some help. But stop whining to me, your only single friend. Thanks much.

• And last but not least, ENOUGH WITH THE TWILIGHT CRAP! First of all, neither of the actors that play Edward and Jacob are even REMOTELY attractive (ripped abs do not a sexy man make) and you should be embarrassed that you are acting like an idiot over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS that were written for teenagers! Meanwhile, you have a flesh and blood man in your house who would love to have even a fraction of that attention. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ok, so there you go. If any of these apply to you, please PLEASE pick one of these resolutions and stick to it like glue, ok? You’ll be doing me (and everyone else) a huge favor.

Much love,
Andi

So this past weekend, CCB was here and made a trip to the grocery store. Because he is generally such an observant person, I mistakenly gave him a shopping list that made sense to ME. I asked for rolled oats, meaning a tub of Quaker’s finest would do the trick, and instead got a $40 bag of Bob’s Red Mill rolled oats. Twice the price for half the oats would have stirred up some emotion in me, but hey… it was his money, not mine, and I appreciated the effort. I also wrote “Pepsi” on the list, thinking assuming that he had heard me when I told him I had moved on to the Diet version. Alas, he returned with full-octane Pepsi. The stuff that had once been the bane of my existence. I smiled and told him it was fine, and secretly, I squealed with glee inside. Because see, the addict part of my personality said, “It’s not YOUR fault that he brought home regular Pepsi! And what are you going to do, let it go to waste? At this point, you practically HAVE to drink it!” And so I did.

With so much ceremonial bullshit, I poured myself a cold Pepsi in a frosty mug and took that first sip. I expected the burn, the rush, the sugary goodness caressing my taste buds… But what I got in return was far less exciting than I remembered. It was THICK… syrupy… and it tasted like chemicals and high fructose corn syrup. It was not at all as delicious as I used to think it was.

A few days later, I gave away the Pepsi to a friend and bought another pack of Diet Pepsi with Lime. And upon my first sip, I experienced the burn, the rush, the aaaaaaahhhhhh that comes with my daily caffeine fix. It tasted fresh, clean, crisp. It didn’t coat my tongue or taste like black tar. It was, simply put, delicious.

I used to hear people complain about how they couldn’t drink Diet sodas because they just tasted different. Well, they do. But interestingly enough, if you give them half a chance, you might just end up preferring them like I did.

Yeah, it’s still caffeine, but hey, it’s progress.

The word is “LOVE”. Generic, I know, but think about it for a minute. I want 2009 to be all about an abundance of love in my life… I want it to be the year that CCB and I find a way to celebrate our love by at least residing in the same city. I want to spend more time loving my daughter and not worrying so much about chores and homework and anything that turns me into “Nagging Momma” instead of “Loving Momma”. But more importantly, I want 2009 to be the year that I learn to love myself. The year that I treat myself and my body with the love and respect that I have previously reserved for my friends and family. Because it’s about time, don’t you think?

So as we near the end of 2008, everyone is getting all misty-eyed and recollecting the “Best Of” the past year. I’ve never really been one to hang out in the past, so I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon. I will say, however, that 2008 is momentous because it is the year that I started this blog and discovered something new about myself. I discovered that I have a voice that some people (for reasons still unknown to me) think is funny or relevant. I have discovered that it’s possible to become friends with people you’ve never met. I’ve also been reminded that even though the world is mostly a degenerate mess, there are some very kind, gentle souls on the Internets and it makes me feel good to know that evil does not conquer all.

That said, it’s time to turn to 2009. I love making New Year’s Resolutions and I always look forward to January 15th when I can officially say that I’ve broken every single one. But not this year. I’ve really come to the point in my life when I’m tired of the way things are and I’m going to really make a change this year. And unlike previous years, I’m putting this out there for all of you to see and read. That is called Accountability, folks, and I’m hoping it’s the incentive necessary to get my butt in gear.

The issue I struggle with the most is my weight. Every year, I commit to losing weight and every year, I fail. Well, not every year… some years, I do quite well. About 4 years ago, I lost a considerable amount of weight and kept it off for nearly a year. Now, all but a small fraction of that weight is back, and I am more depressed than ever. Last week, I tried to put on a pair of jeans and they were too tight for me to fasten. I know this happens to women everywhere, and we all deal with it, but these jeans were not only my “Fat Jeans”, but one size UP from the fat jeans. These were my “Fatter Jeans”. And now those are too small. To say that I am disgusted with myself is an understatement.

I know how to lose weight. I do it well, actually. I just get to the point where I’ve lost weight and I think “whew… I can slack off now”, and before you know it, the old habits creep in and I’m gaining again. It’s time to make a change. Last night, I grabbed a lipstick and wrote my resolutions out on my bathroom mirror. They will stay there until I figure out how to do this permanently (sorry, CCB, you might want to use the guest bathroom mirror instead). This is what I wrote:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

MOVE TODAY!!!!

I have eliminated Pepsi from my diet, cold turkey. I know the sugar isn’t good for me, but even in its Diet form, it’s unhealthy. I understand the correlation between caffeine and cortisol production, which in turn, makes your body store fat. So no Pepsi. No caffeine. I will have miserable headaches for the next two weeks, but I can do this. I’ve done it before. No Pepsi.

I am going to stop eating junk. If I feel snacky, I’m going to grab a carrot or an apple or a handful of Kashi crackers. They’re in my house, I just don’t eat them and that’s silly. So from now on, I will choose the healthier option. No junk.

I am going to get back into a regular exercise program. I’ve mentioned my lousy knee on occasion, and it is a serious issue when considering exercise. I know I need to have another arthroscopy and meniscus repair, but I’m certain that this time, they will have to remove the small amount of meniscus that remains which will mean that the next step will be a knee replacement. I’m not ready for that, so I’m holding out as long as I can with the frayed/torn meniscus that remains in my knee. This is probably the only thing about me that truly makes CCB angry, because he hates seeing me in pain. But I will not make myself a candidate for a knee replacement at my age. In five years or ten years, maybe. But for now, if I can cope with the pain, I will. I just need to find a way to move every day without causing it more pain. For now, that means walking. And you know what? It doesn’t matter how fast I walk (if I can only tolerate 3.0 mph, who cares?!?) or how long I walk. What matters is that I move more than I am currently moving, and that I continue to advance my exercise as much as I can tolerate. Every day, I will choose some sort of activity. Move today!

I am not making this resolution because I want to wear a smaller size of jeans. I’m not making it because I want Tyler to be proud of me, because he already loves every single inch of me, even the cellulite. This is because I don’t feel healthy anymore. I am in pain every single day. Right now, I am counting four spots on my body that are hurting, and incidentally, none of them are my bad knee. My weight is causing me to feel horrible physically and mentally. I know I am better than this. The picture of me on my “About Andi” page was not even my lowest weight, and I was wearing clothes in that picture that were 3 sizes smaller than I’m wearing today. Enough is enough!

I would say wish me luck, but luck will have nothing to do with this. If you’d like to wish me something, wish me strength and determination. Because that’s what I’m going to need the most.

To be continued…