She was born to a lovely Queen who fell immediately head over heels in love with her and vowed to give her anything her heart desired. The Queen loved Princess Lauren so much, in fact, that she spent an entire weekend hand-stamping these flowers on the walls of her royal bedroom.

It was a room fit for a Princess, and was loved and cherished by the Queen’s beloved child for many, many years.

Then one day, Princess Lauren exclaimed, “OMG! I so totally hate these flowers!” It brought the Queen much heartbreak to think that her beautiful little child was no longer charmed by the quaint garden on her walls. She tried ignoring Princess Lauren, then bargaining with her, and finally pleading in desperation — all to no avail. The Princess was determined to have a “Teenager Room.” The Queen was devastated.

But being a doting, loving parent, The Queen bravely began to cover the lovely flowers with a coat of bright blue paint. In the process, she created quite a mess, dripping paint on every surface of the room. Frustrated, she gave up and determined that she would need to pay someone to do the job for her. She was, after all, a Queen — what did she know about painting??

Then one chilly December day, she met a fine Knight in Shining Armor who swept her off her feet with his gallant gestures and penchant for sushi. She was charmed and before too long, invited him home to the castle to see where she lived. When the Knight came upon the half-floral, half-blue bedroom, his eyes narrowed and he asked what on earth had happened. The Queen regaled him with horror stories of being covered in paint and shuddered as she explained that she had given up on the room altogether. The Knight laughed and informed her that he was, in fact, quite talented at painting and would gladly repair the room for free. The Queen was no dummy, mind you. She said, “Yes, thank you!” and left it at that.

Months later, the Knight and the Queen were becoming a couple. They spent nearly all their free time together and finally got up the nerve to say the word “relationship.” It was lovely and the Queen was enjoying herself very much. But alas! The room remained in its semi-painted state. The Queen was embarrassed to ask the Knight what happened to his offer, so she just kept her royal mouth shut. Since then, the Queen has come to understand that the Knight is something of a procrastinator, but will always get to the task at hand if you wait long enough.

But I digress.

Just days before the Knight was to leave for battle in the Land of Texas, he surprised the Queen by announcing that he would be painting the Princess’ bedroom that day. The Queen left to address her subjects and figured that when she returned, she would see a little progress if she was lucky. Imagine her great surprise when she saw this:

It was a beautiful bedroom with hand-painted clouds on the ceiling and a lacy canopy under which the Princess could lay her royal head. To Princess Lauren, it was the ideal “Teenager Room” and worthy of the loudest squeal of approval. But to The Queen, it was so much more. It was a kind gesture from The Knight to her beloved child, and it made her fall in love with him even more.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The end.

And then they left me.

When I went through my breakup with CCB, I came as close as I’ve ever been to a nervous breakdown.  The rug had been pulled out from under me, and I was utterly abandoned.  I nearly lost everything that mattered to me — my daughter, my home, my job.  The depression was so oppressive that I could barely make it through a single day.  But somehow, I did.  I held fast to the frayed strands of my life and hoped that something would snap me out of it.  My dear, wonderful friends were the ones who did that for me.  They loved me and supported me and told me I was better than my current circumstances.  And slowly, I began to repair my soul, piece by piece.

But my peace — my comfort — my words.  They didn’t return.

Is it possible that I can only write when I’m content?  That unlike so many great writers, depression only serves to silence me?  I suppose that’s okay, and I should be grateful for the ability to write whenever it is gifted to me.  But oh, how I miss it when it’s gone.  How easy it would be to cope with life’s trials if I could find the words to express myself.

And yet, they always return.  My words are always in the background, sometimes dust-covered and neglected, but always there.  Waiting for me to trust myself and use them again.  Truly, what a blessing to know that they can and will return.

So what has changed, you ask?  What has brought my words back to life?? Well, I’ll tell you…

First, a kicky new car, 100% paid in full and belonging ONLY to me!

Next, an adorable daughter who is becoming a lovely young lady before my very eyes…

And last but not least, love…

Yep, that’s Music Man. Bein’ all Rockstar and sexy. He’s going to kill me when he sees this, because he doesn’t like that picture at all. But I do, and isn’t that all that matters?? I mean, it’s my blog, ya’ll… I can do what I want!

We’ve been dating for almost six months, and although neither of us wanted a relationship, here we are. And we are to-the-soul, ‘aren’t-we-disgustingly-happy’ happy. Lauren loves him because he’s silly and tickles her. And I love that my two favorite people are becoming best little buddies (picture tweaked with iPhoto, ya’ll — they don’t really look like that!!):

He feeds and waters my guinea pigs and dogs when I forget. He makes sure I have enough cash for lunch at work. He spends hours tracing my arms with his fingertips until I fall asleep. He drives hours without complaining just so I can see Them Crooked Vultures in Vegas, then soothes my angry temper when I spend half the concert staring at the stupid girl who is dancing and preventing me from seeing my beloved Dave Grohl!! And when my temper flares up and I’m inches away from decking her trailer-park butt and she gets her boyfriend involved because she’s askeered of me, he silences her punk-ass boyfriend with one look that threatens “You don’t even want to mess with me, kid” while I get the delicious satisfaction of seeing them flee from us in terror. He is The Awesome, people. He’s sweet and bad ass at the same time. He’s funny and makes me laugh every day.

Music Man, in a nutshell, was totally worth the wait.

So I’ve mentioned Them Crooked Vultures before — the incredible SuperGroup comprised of Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters), Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) and John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin).  I have heard people say that it’s Nirvana meets Led Zeppelin, but I disagree.  In fact, I really don’t hear much Nirvana in their music at all.  I do hear a lot of Led Zeppelin influences, but also Cream and Iron Butterfly.  It seems to me that these guys got together and just played what felt good to them.  They recently rocked the house on both Saturday Night Live and Austin City Limits.  Here, see for yourself (Cha Cha, get a towel or something to catch the drool):

Fast Tube by Casper

Anyway, after watching them on ACL, I decided that they were such an historic band (really, who gets John Paul Jones to join a band with them?!?!?) and probably wouldn’t be around for long so if they came anywhere near Salt Lake City, I would do whatever it took to go see them.  I did a little bit of research and discovered that they would be in Vegas in April.  Talk about the perfect weekend!!  Vegas AND Them Crooked Vultures!!!  It took me all of about 5 seconds to decide that I was going.  I booked a room and bought two tickets, hoping that I would find someone to go with me.  My first choice, of course, was Music Man — he is the only other person I know who loves TCV as much as I do, and I know he’d be a lot of fun to hang out with down there.  I brought it up to him, but I think he read a little bit more into it than I intended (it does seem a little “relationshippy”, I will admit) so I’m not sure that he will go with me.  Nevertheless, I AM GOING, even if I have to go alone.  I have tried to lure friends into my trap by emphasizing the Vegas part over the TCV part, but still don’t have anyone willing to commit.

So come April 16th, I am steering my little Volvo onto I-15 and heading to Vegas, whether or not there is a warm body in the seat next to me.  Still, it would be more fun with a friend.  Anyone interested in a road trip????

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

That last line really resonated with me.  Although I never will understand the manner in which CCB broke off our engagement, I can agree now that it was the best thing for both of us.  I realize that his purpose in my life was to help me heal from the wounds from my failed marriage — to make me truly believe that I was beautiful and worthy of love.  He left me with a confidence that has allowed me to hold my head high and move on.  I have discovered that although I am certainly flawed, my confidence and self-esteem are highly attractive to men.  I have literally never dated like this in my entire life.  In the past, I pretty much dated the men who wanted to date me first.  If they weren’t necessarily my “type”, I would try to mold them into what I wanted — and we know how successful that strategy is!  These days, however, I am sorting through the available guys and turning away those who don’t fit my needs.  If we go out once or twice and I’m not feeling any chemistry, I move on.  With a unapologetic yet kind manner, I tell them “Thanks, but no thanks.”  Some remain friends, most do not.  But what I learn from all of this is that I am worthy of waiting for the one who is right for me.  I don’t need to settle for anyone who shows me a little affection.  (This is an epiphany, ya’ll.  My sister will cheer loudly when she reads this!!)  So I decided that I would date just for the sheer fun of it (meaning free dinners and movies, people — I’m not a floozy!) and in no way, shape or form would I fall in love with anyone.  I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend or a long-term relationship and I surely was not looking for a husband.  Just a friend.  That’s all.

And then I met Music Man — I call him this because he is one.  He’s a talented musician and, like me, a shameless audiophile.  His brain is full of useless music trivia, too, and often times, he’s the only one who understands my Facebook status when I quote song lyrics.  In any event, we clicked immediately and began to see each other regularly.  Because we were both alone over Christmas and New Year’s, Music Man invited me to spend some time with him.  At first, it didn’t seem odd to me that we would be hanging out over the holidays — mainly because I didn’t read too much into it.  But when I would mention it to my friends, they would all gasp and say, “You’ve already spent two holidays together?”  To everyone else, it seemed very “relationshippy”.  And holy crap, I did NOT want “relationshippy”.  So instead of chilling out and being cool with my new friend and all the fun he brought with him, I kind of had a little freak-out around the first of the year and decided I probably needed to back off a little bit.  Whether he agreed or just sensed my incredible psychosis, he backed off too and we had a few weeks with only minimal contact, and mainly on Facebook at that.  It was enough of a breather to make me forget what I was so freaked out about, and when he asked me out again, I was ready to see him.  VERY ready.

Fast forward to today:  we have been seeing each other for a few months now.  I have met his friends (all of whom liked me and were very sweet to welcome me into the “family”) and he has met Lauren.  I knew it was a big step to introduce him to my daughter, and I didn’t take it lightly.  I didn’t present him as my boyfriend and I didn’t compare him to her father or to CCB.  I just simply said that my friend was going to be joining us for dinner and completely downplayed the whole thing.  She really liked him, however, and in her completely intuitive and very mature manner, told me that if I ever decided that I wanted Music Man to be my boyfriend, she would be okay with that.  While we are dating each other exclusively, and there is clearly a great deal of respect and affection between us, neither of us have been willing to take the extra step and call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”.  And that’s ok with me, even if all of our friends think we’re crazy for not admitting it.

My birthday is the day after tomorrow, and Valentine’s Day follows close after that.  Big relationship moments, you know?  We are going out to dinner on my birthday (for my birthday, according to him) and while I begged him to not make a big deal out of it, I’m sure he won’t treat it like any other date.  It remains to be seen whether or not he will address Valentine’s Day, but I’m prepared either way because I’m smart like that.  He’s the only one I want to spend my birthday and Valentine’s Day with, but don’t read anything into that.  I’m just totally into him and digging everything about him and excited to learn more about him.  That’s all.  That doesn’t make him my boyfriend or anything.  And don’t expect my relationship status on Facebook to change any time soon.

Unless he changes his, of course.

Freakin’ awesomeness, that’s what!!

Check out this video for “Nobody Loves Me and Neither Do I” from Them Crooked Vultures. Then RUN to iTunes and download it for yourself.

You are welcome.

Let’s just call him a “new friend” and leave it at that, k?

In any event, I have started styling my hair a little shorter, a little darker and a little spikier. The most common compliments I get are that it brings out my eyes and makes me look spunky/sassy/adorable. I agree. It has given me a boost of confidence right when I needed it. I am unafraid — openly flirting with guys and ready for anything that life brings me. I know I’m beautiful, smart and funny, and if a guy doesn’t think that I fit with his idea of a woman, I couldn’t care less. There are men out there who think I’m gorgeous and who would be thrilled to spend time with me. I’m just going to take my time and look for them. And in the meantime, I’m going to flirt with every cute guy I see. INCLUDING that super hot security guard at work who just started working in the guard shack. Oh my heavens, he’s a tall drink of water! Next time he waves at me as I enter the hospital, I’m going to wave back. And maybe wink.

Speaking of guys, I’ve been asked out on a date already. I like him and I think he’s cute, but I can’t seem to find the time (honestly!) to get together with him. It will happen soon, though, and you’ll all hear about it when it does. Be kind to him, though — he reads my blog!

As far as my house goes, I’ve borrowed a husband (thanks, Kim!) and have given him a Honey-Do list to help me winterize my home. He’s going to do the stuff that I can’t, and within a few weeks, my yard will be fertilized, my gutters cleaned, my window wells secured, my flower beds weeded and mulched, my garage and basement cleaned and organized, and all my patio furniture safely stored away for the winter. And when that happens, I have the card table and the jigsaw puzzles ready to go. Lauren and I will cuddle up at night with mugs of hot chocolate and piece them together, one after another, as we hibernate the winter away.

Sounds like a fresh start to me!

]]> http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/22/a-few-seasons-too-late/feed/ 8 http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/17/cramping-more-than-my-style/ http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/17/cramping-more-than-my-style/#comments Thu, 17 Sep 2009 21:52:27 +0000 Andi http://athousandmiles.net/?p=412 I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and get back in shape, and I thought the best way to accomplish that would be to do some sort of physical exercise that was fun to me. So without any expense or any time commitment, I turned on my iPod, cranked up the volume and started dancing my butt off. Hopefully literally.

]]> http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/17/cramping-more-than-my-style/feed/ 2 http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/14/meet-carly/ http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/14/meet-carly/#comments Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:48:07 +0000 Andi http://athousandmiles.net/?p=408 I should be working on the schedule this morning, but instead I am cuddling my very sick little girl (who loves when she gets to be in Momma’s cozy bed, even if it means she’s sick) and entertaining myself by reading blogs. I’m confident I will meet the schedule deadline later this week, but right now my baby needs me. And I needed this:

One of my favorite blogs, Pacing The Panic Room, just posted this piece about a young girl named Carly Fleischmann from Canada, and I was instantly charmed by her.

One of my dearest friends has a 15 year old son, Caleb, with autism. I have always admired her strength and determination when it comes to caring for him and finding new ways to connect with him. I know that it is easier to assume that there is nothing beyond what is visible to the eye, that there is no cognitive awareness behind the flapping arms and the incomprehensible squeals. But maybe, just maybe, there is a functioning spirit trapped in that poorly functioning body. A person who cannot make their body communicate in the way they want to. I cannot imagine a more terrible thing than being a prisoner inside your own body.

I think it’s time we started to become more aware of those who suffer from this horrible condition. For Carly and Caleb, and all the others like them.

Carly’s Blog

Follow Carly on Twitter

Be a Fan of Carly on Facebook

]]> http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/14/meet-carly/feed/ 3 http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/12/todays-meditation/ http://athousandmiles.net/2009/09/12/todays-meditation/#comments Sat, 12 Sep 2009 23:45:59 +0000 Andi http://athousandmiles.net/?p=395 I have been reading and re-reading this version of St. Teresa’s Prayer almost constantly over the last week. This prayer, combined with my daughter’s juicy kisses and a fair bit of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, has definitely calmed my soul.  I am aware that there are those who are suffering much more than I am right now.  If that describes you, I hope it brings you as much peace as it has brought me.