In any event, I have started styling my hair a little shorter, a little darker and a little spikier. The most common compliments I get are that it brings out my eyes and makes me look spunky/sassy/adorable. I agree. It has given me a boost of confidence right when I needed it. I am unafraid — openly flirting with guys and ready for anything that life brings me. I know I’m beautiful, smart and funny, and if a guy doesn’t think that I fit with his idea of a woman, I couldn’t care less. There are men out there who think I’m gorgeous and who would be thrilled to spend time with me. I’m just going to take my time and look for them. And in the meantime, I’m going to flirt with every cute guy I see. INCLUDING that super hot security guard at work who just started working in the guard shack. Oh my heavens, he’s a tall drink of water! Next time he waves at me as I enter the hospital, I’m going to wave back. And maybe wink.

Speaking of guys, I’ve been asked out on a date already. I like him and I think he’s cute, but I can’t seem to find the time (honestly!) to get together with him. It will happen soon, though, and you’ll all hear about it when it does. Be kind to him, though — he reads my blog!

As far as my house goes, I’ve borrowed a husband (thanks, Kim!) and have given him a Honey-Do list to help me winterize my home. He’s going to do the stuff that I can’t, and within a few weeks, my yard will be fertilized, my gutters cleaned, my window wells secured, my flower beds weeded and mulched, my garage and basement cleaned and organized, and all my patio furniture safely stored away for the winter. And when that happens, I have the card table and the jigsaw puzzles ready to go. Lauren and I will cuddle up at night with mugs of hot chocolate and piece them together, one after another, as we hibernate the winter away.

Sounds like a fresh start to me!

The first fourteen years of my life were spent in a tiny town of only 500 people. Wikipedia now says it’s over 800, so they’ve apparently had a population boom in the past 28 years. I lived in a small house with a huge lot on a tree-lined street, and spent my days roaming the entire town, which was no bigger than my current neighborhood. In the summer, my Dad assembled the pop-up tent in the backyard and we spent our days playing Barbies in it, or when that became boring, riding our bikes all over the surrounding countryside. We didn’t come home until it was dark and my Mom was okay with that. We never locked our doors and we slept with the windows open. I fell asleep to the sound of crickets with a cool summer breeze blowing over the bunk bed that my sister and I shared. We didn’t consider ourselves to be missing out on anything by living in such a small town. Our little grocery store pretty much had everything we needed, and if it didn’t, the “big city” was less than a half an hour away.

When I was fourteen, my Dad took a job an hour and a half away in a much larger town. We delighted over the fact that fast food restaurants and a movie theater were now just minutes from our house. Instead of living in the city proper, my parents found a hundred-year-old farmhouse just outside of the city limits on a narrow country road. It was in that house that I spent my teenage years, full of angst and hormones. I spent hours lying in the grass in the backyard, listening to the wind rustling through the corn field at the edge of our yard. I loved the quiet and the solitude there. We had neighbors close by, but it seemed as if we were all alone, surrounded on all sides by corn and soybean fields. We still slept with the windows open, although the pig farm a mile away made that relatively unpleasant at times. That house was quaint with its narrow stairs and painted-shut windows, and it’s still a frequent destination in my dreams. Last night, in fact, I dreamed that I lived there again, and was watching my daughter run down the grassy lane next to the corn field while I swung lazily in the hammock in the backyard.

When I graduated from high school, however, I couldn’t wait to move to The Big City. It was there that I learned how to navigate traffic and hang out at a mall. As my career blossomed, I found opportunities in even larger cities, and before I knew it, the rural life was far behind me. I liked living in the suburbs of a big city and didn’t miss the country at all. Or so I thought.

But nine years ago, when I built this home with my then-husband – the home that I still live in today, and the only home my Lauren has ever known – it was imperative that we get as far out of the city as possible. Because of my job, I couldn’t move far enough away to be in the country, but we went as far as we could. Our neighborhood is nestled in the crook of the mountains on the southwest side of the valley. My commute to work is 45 minutes each way, but it’s worth it to be in such a quiet area.

And yet, it’s not the country. I miss sleeping with the windows open and listening to the crickets chirping. I miss the fields of corn and the tranquility. I wish my daughter knew what that life was like. And because the country runs so deep in my soul, I try as hard as I can to make our home a tranquil place. My daughter knows the feeling of cool grass between her toes and the scent of lilacs in the spring. She knows that the best place to star gaze is lying on your back in the middle of the yard. She knows how fresh the house becomes when the windows are opened and a cool breeze runs through it. She is as country as a city girl can be.

And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

1. When my ex-husband begins yelling about dogs contaminating his home, I can laugh and walk out his front door and let his wife deal with it.

2. When my little Sam runs away, the neighborhood children recognize him, lure him into their trap and return him to his home, thereby eliminating the need for me to go out and search for him.

3. I have a job that I actually love. After 13 1/2 years, I still look forward to going in to work. And considering that CCB is currently very much NOT in love with his job, I think I’m pretty lucky.

4. Someone, somewhere made the incredibly difficult choice to donate their loved one’s organs, and thereby made it possible for a very, very sick young man at my hospital to have his liver. I feared that he would never live long enough to receive the transplant, but yesterday, he went into surgery and today, he has a chance at life. And for that, I am very most grateful.

• We had a lovely dinner sans Lauren at our favorite sushi joint, Tsunami, where I enjoyed my favorite Don Juan roll with the eel sauce that comes with it, and the sweet/spicy sauce from the DTH roll.  It makes your eyes roll back in your head, people… it’s THAT good.
• We discovered that Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore are engaged.  While we love, love, LOVE Ryan Adams, we’re scratching our heads over the engagement.  Partially because we heard they had broke up, partially because every picture we’ve seen of the two of them makes it look like Mandy can barely tolerate his presence, and partially because The Hell, Ryan?  You’re so cool and she’s so… Mandy Moore.
• We caught up on our TiVo’d episodes of Lost.  I know I say this after every single episode, but… um… WTF?
• We also saw this on The Soup that made us laugh our butts off:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtX8nswnUKU]

• We had a great Valentine’s Day dinner party with Lauren and some friends.  I made something that is my monthly Daring Bakers Challenge, and I can’t discuss it until the designated posting day, but suffice to say it was YUMMY and you will hear all about it very soon.
• We played the new Wii that CCB bought me for my birthday (because I’ve been dying for the Wii Fit) and Lauren kicked all of our butts at bowling.  I’m not even kidding.
• Oh, and we may or may not have visited a couple of jewelers.  No big deal, nothing purchased.  But it’s a start!

This morning, however, was a different story. We woke up in a warm bed in a warm house with both our girls safely under roof. The world outside was muted by a thick blanket of snow. We made oatmeal banana bread pancakes for breakfast, and the girls spent the morning wrapping any stray item they could find and putting them under the tree as their “gifts”.

As we sat down to lunch today, it occurred to me that I am right where I want to be. I am here in my cozy house that smells of peppermint and pine. The gifts are starting to pile up under the glowing Christmas tree, reminding me that I do have much to be thankful for this year. The three people I love most in this world are here with me, and the sound of girlish laughter is filling my home.

In a few days, the world will come knocking again. There will be bills to pay and not enough money to pay them. There will be responsibilities and expectations and disappointments. In a few days, my headaches will return and the stress-induced twitch in my left eye will resume its relentless rhythm. But today I am calm. I am at peace and I am still.

We are all right where we’re supposed to be, and for that, I am exceptionally grateful.

1.  Puffs with Vicks.  God’s greatest invention when your nose can’t decide whether it wants to be plugged up or not.  I particularly like how it gives me zero notice when it decides to empty its contents onto my upper lip in 0.3 seconds flat.  My solution has been the tissue stuffed in the nose.  It’s attractive, for sure.

2.  Mount Olympus water.  Because if I have to stay hydrated, this is my beverage of choice.  I like it so much, I have a cooler in my kitchen and 5-gallon bottles delivered to my front porch every month.

3.  The turkey chili that I made on Tuesday before I was Officially Sick.  It is all I can keep down right now, and it requires minimal effort to heat it up in the microwave.

4.  My SelectComfort bed, which is my home base for the next day or two, and is the most comfortable place in my (or anyone else’s) home.  Hands down.

5.  The Marzibain Bubble Bar I bought at Lush in Vegas.  I can’t really smell anything right now, but somehow, the almond scent got through.  And a bubble bath always makes me feel a tiny bit less sick.

Lauren and I are packing to leave Toronto, and I am in such a good mood today. For the first time ever, I am leaving Tyler today but I’m not miserable because I will see him in just 3 days. And then when he leaves from that trip, I will see him just 9 days later. And from that point on, we will never go more than 10 days without seeing each other. As a result, my heart is overflowing with gratitude this morning, so I will get back on the Grace x365 bandwagon.

1. The chocolate-milk moustache on my baby’s adorable face. She is oblivious to it and wouldn’t care even if she knew it was there. I am going to resist the urge to wash it off and just let her be a kid.

2. The amazing group of people I have found through this blog. Your kind comments have truly helped. Thank you.

3. My best friend and partner in life, Tyler. Whatever I had in the past that seemed like love was just a pale comparison to the actual thing. Thank you for always, ALWAYS being the greatest, most wonderful part of my life.

4. Snowflakes drifting past the window when I am inside, warm and cozy. The best way to experience snow, in my opinion.

5. The view of the city from Tyler’s 12th floor condo. The first time I came to Toronto, I was afraid of everything. After several visits, I can say that the city is growing on me and although I don’t love it as much as Tyler does, I am getting there.

This challenge should have been posted yesterday, but circumstances prevented me from getting to the computer. As a result, I’ve not only missed the Daring Bakers deadline, but (gasp!) totally blew the whole NaBloPoMo thing. I cannot tell you how disappointed I am about this. To screw up the daily posting thing with ONLY ONE DAY TO GO is paramount to arriving at the Taj Mahal only to discover that you forgot your camera. Doh!!

So this month’s challenge was a Caramel Cake with a Caramelized Butter Frosting. Oh, mama!! Sounds delicious, no? The recipe is courtesy of Shuna Fish Lydon and was brought to the Daring Bakers forum by this month’s gracious hosts, Dolores of Culinary Curiosity, Alex (aka Brownie) of Blondie and Brownie, and Jenny of Foray Into Food. They were also assisted by Natalie of Gluten-a-Go-Go who provided gluten-free alternatives for the recipe.  One of my favorite flavors in the WORLD is caramel, so I was quite excited to make this recipe.  I decided that I would make the cake yesterday because we were having dinner with CCB’s parents last night, and I thought it would be lovely for us to bring dessert.  CCB’s dad is quite an accomplished cook and his mom is a skilled baker, so I decided that sharing the cake with them would be the true test of the recipe.

The first step was in making the caramel syrup.  Although I have read about this process many times, I had never performed it myself.  It was a little daunting, to be sure.  Keep in mind that I was about to serve this cake to MY FUTURE IN-LAWS.  It had to be perfect.  And I felt less than confident in my ability to make it perfect.  I followed the recipe to the letter, making sure to let the syrup caramelize to a “dark amber” color.  In my opinion, dark amber is the color of pure maple syrup, and the caramel syrup that resulted from taking it to this deep color was a tiny bit burnt.  I think I would have stopped at light amber, and if I ever make the cake again, that’s what I would do.  The syrup wasn’t as strong when mixed into the batter or the frosting, but it was just a tiny bit overcooked, I thought.  Here is the recipe for the caramel syrup:

CARAMEL SYRUP

2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1 cup water (for “stopping” the caramelization process)

In a small stainless steel saucepan, with tall sides, mix water and sugar until mixture feels like wet sand. Brush down any stray sugar crystals with wet pastry brush. Turn on heat to highest flame. Cook until smoking slightly: dark amber. When color is achieved, very carefully pour in one cup of water. Caramel will jump and sputter about! It is very dangerous, so have long sleeves on and be prepared to step back. Whisk over medium heat until it has reduced slightly and feels sticky between two fingers. {Obviously wait for it to cool on a spoon before touching it.}  Note: For safety reasons, have ready a bowl of ice water to plunge your hands into if any caramel should land on your skin.

Once I had prepared the caramel syrup and allowed it to cool, I began to mix up the cake batter.  It was then that I discovered that Tyler didn’t have a mixer of any sort, not even a hand mixer.  It was going to be a workout, because I was going to have to mix the whole thing by hand.  I really think a power mixer of some sort is crucial to the success of this recipe.  I don’t believe that I was able to cream the butter and sugar until it was “light and fluffy” and that may have led to the unfortunately dense cake that resulted.  The recipe for the Caramel cake:

CARAMEL CAKE

10 Tablespoons unsalted butter at room temperature
1 1/4 Cups granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/3 Cup Caramel Syrup
2 eggs, at room temperature
splash vanilla extract
2 Cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup milk, at room temperature

Preheat oven to 350F.  Butter one tall (2 – 2.5 inch deep) 9-inch cake pan.  In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream butter until smooth. Add sugar and salt & cream until light and fluffy.  Slowly pour room temperature caramel syrup into bowl. Scrape down bowl and increase speed. Add eggs/vanilla extract a little at a time, mixing well after each addition. Scrape down bowl again, beat mixture until light and uniform.  Sift flour and baking powder.  Turn mixer to lowest speed, and add one third of the dry ingredients. When incorporated, add half of the milk, a little at a time. Add another third of the dry ingredients, then the other half of the milk and finish with the dry ingredients. {This is called the dry, wet, dry, wet, dry method in cake making. It is often employed when there is a high proportion of liquid in the batter.}  Take off mixer and by hand, use a spatula to do a few last folds, making sure batter is uniform. Turn batter into prepared cake pan.  Place cake pan on cookie sheet or 1/2 sheet pan. Set first timer for 30 minutes, rotate pan and set timer for another 15-20 minutes. Your own oven will set the pace. Bake until sides pull away from the pan and skewer inserted in middle comes out clean. Cool cake completely before icing it.  Cake will keep for three days outside of the refrigerator.

I baked the cake for the first 30 minutes, and then because I didn’t know how Tyler’s oven would bake, I only set the timer for an additional 10 minutes after I rotated the pan.  When I pulled it out, it was very brown and firm… completely overbaked.  So be sure to watch the times carefully.  I was able to salvage the cake by brushing some of the cooled caramel syrup over it while it was still warm.  The syrup soaked into the cake and made it softer and much more the texture I had hoped for.

After the cake had cooled, I prepared the Caramelized Butter Frosting.  Once again, I was faced with a technique that I had read a lot about but had never actually done… browned butter.  It was actually quite easy, except for the fact that I obsessively watched the butter, certain that it was getting too dark.  Tyler reminded me of a quote he heard once.  I can’t be certain, but I think it was Mario Batali who said that the reason restaurant food tastes different from what the home cook makes is because home cooks are afraid to let things cook long enough.  They stop short of really developing the deeper flavors in a dish because they are afraid of burning it.  With that in mind, I let the butter go to a nice nutty brown, and it made a delicious icing as a result.  I wish there had been a frosting with a little less sugar.  One pound of confectioners’ sugar for a one-layer cake is much too sugary, in my opinion.  The recipe for the Caramelized Butter Frosting is here:

CARAMELIZED BUTTER FROSTING

12 tablespoons unsalted butter 
1 pound confectioner’s sugar, sifted
4-6 tablespoons heavy cream
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2-4 tablespoons caramel syrup
Kosher or sea salt to taste

Cook butter until brown. Pour through a fine meshed sieve into a heatproof bowl, set aside to cool.  Pour cooled brown butter into mixer bowl.  In a stand mixer fitted with a paddle or whisk attachment, add confectioner’s sugar a little at a time. When mixture looks too chunky to take any more, add a bit of cream and or caramel syrup. Repeat until mixture looks smooth and all confectioner’s sugar has been incorporated. Add salt to taste.  Note: Caramelized butter frosting will keep in fridge for up to a month. To smooth out from cold, microwave a bit, then mix with paddle attachment until smooth and light.

The end result? The cake was too dense, a little too firm, and too sweet. The frosting was almost inedible, it was so sweet. I did top the cake with slices of apple that were sliced thin on the mandoline and dredged in lemon juice to prevent browning. The tartness of the apple did cut the sweetness of the cake and icing somewhat, but it still was very much too sweet. The adults at the meal ate a tiny amount of the cake, enough to appear gracious, really. The girls licked the sugary-sweet frosting off the cake and were in diabetic comas by the end of the evening. And I somehow survived (and actually enjoyed!) a dinner with Tyler’s family.

When we finally returned home and got the girls to bed, I was so exhausted that I could barely keep my eyes open.  Perhaps it was the fact that I had spent the past two days cooking almost non-stop (between the Thanksgiving dinner I prepared on Friday and the cake on Saturday), or perhaps it was an emotional release after being so nervous about the dinner with Tyler’s family.  The night ended up far more lovely and cheerful than we had both anticipated, and as a result, I think my exhaustion was the equivalent of a huge psychological “PHEW!!!”  Needless to say, when the girls finally got into bed, Tyler and I collapsed as well.  It wasn’t until this morning that I remembered that I hadn’t posted.  I hope the lovely ladies at the Daring Bakers will forgive my lapse and will include me in next month’s blogroll.  And as for NaBloPoMo, there’s still the prize for the losers, right??

My Grace for today:

1.  Unconditional love.  No matter how undeserving you feel.

2.  The power of forgiveness and healing.

3.  The security that comes with trust and respect.

4.  Cooking in the kitchen with the man that I love.

5.  Good food, good company and laughter around the dinner table.