A Thousand Miles From The Place I Was Born

Hallelujah, 2009 is OVER! It was the year that sucketh, and I’m glad to see it go. It did, however, end in a really awesome and unexpected way for me when my new friend (whom I will call Music Man) invited me to spend both Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve with him. It was far better to spend the holidays having fun than to spend them alone and feeling sorry for myself, and I think he understood that. He’s a great guy, and I’m really enjoying his company. Oh, and he reads the blog, so I’m going to stop talking about him now.

So if you peruse the internets, you’re likely to find a million posts in which people are detailing their resolutions for 2010. I think that’s kind of silly, to be honest. I mean, if you are serious about making a change in your life, why do you need to wait until January to do it? I have things that I want to accomplish over the next year, but they are the same goals I have had for the last several months — mainly to get my shit together, be healthier, and be a better Mom to Lauren. Easy peasy, eh?

Nevertheless, I understand that some people may not be as together as I am, and might just be struggling with their making their own resolutions. Perhaps they don’t know what goals to make, or how to go about achieving them. Well, people — as always, I am here to help. I have made my list of all-purpose resolutions. Feel free to choose any or all of them for yourself.

• Stop driving slow in the fast lane. That is the left-hand lane, for those of you who don’t know. I realize that you believe that you are setting a good example by going EXACTLY the speed limit in that lane, but I like to go a little faster. And that’s just between me and the Highway Patrol, so let it go. Move your hiney over and let me pass you. Thanks.

• When shopping, please be mindful of where you are in relation to the people around you. It’s not polite to stop your cart in the middle of the aisle while you flip through your massive stack of coupons, making it impossible for me to move around you. And when you look up and see that I am coming toward you, do NOT go back to your coupons, thereby forcing me to announce my presence by saying “Excuse me!” You will only piss me off.

• If you suffer from allergies or any other upper respiratory ailment, please do not snort, hack or gag on your secretions in my presence. I am a nurse and can deal with bodily secretions on a daily basis, but that grosses me out, dude! Knock it off!

• Pull up your pants. No one wants to see your underwear, and that look is so 2000 anyway.

• Just make an ATTEMPT to act like a parent when you’re out in public with your kids. I’m a parent and I take care of kids for a living, and yet I still want to smack the crap out of yours when they scream in the middle of the grocery store. Ignoring them isn’t going to make the situation any better, and it’s going to make you look like an idiot to me. I would appreciate a “shhh, honey” so I can tell that you are at least aware of the situation.

• Stop making screwed up faces in pictures. You are not a gangster and it’s not sexy.

• When you are waiting for an elevator, please allow the people to exit the car before you enter. Trust me, you will make it on before the doors close. And if you don’t, just push the button and WHOA! They will open again. There’s no need to crush the poor occupants of the car because you have a panic disorder.

• Stop using Facebook to a) declare your love for your significant other in EVERY SINGLE STATUS UPDATE, and/or b) describe in detail what you are doing. I don’t care what you’re making for dinner, or what you’re watching on TV. If you violate this rule more than once, you will be hidden from my feed.

• Stop complaining that your husband wants to have sex with you. If it’s that excruciating, one or both of you is doing it wrong. Be grateful that you have someone to share your life with, and if it’s not as awesome as you want it to be, get some help. But stop whining to me, your only single friend. Thanks much.

• And last but not least, ENOUGH WITH THE TWILIGHT CRAP! First of all, neither of the actors that play Edward and Jacob are even REMOTELY attractive (ripped abs do not a sexy man make) and you should be embarrassed that you are acting like an idiot over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS that were written for teenagers! Meanwhile, you have a flesh and blood man in your house who would love to have even a fraction of that attention. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ok, so there you go. If any of these apply to you, please PLEASE pick one of these resolutions and stick to it like glue, ok? You’ll be doing me (and everyone else) a huge favor.

Much love,
Andi