It’s been well over a month since I last posted, and many of you have expressed your concern. I have been a little overwhelmed with life lately, but I’m starting to put the pieces back together. It has taken me weeks to feel even remotely ready to blog about it, and I’m not still sure that I’m ready. I struggle to find the words to describe what I have been dealing with, and I struggle with whether or not this is an appropriate place to discuss it. But this blog has always been a sort of therapy for me, and I know that bringing it to this forum will only serve to heal me in the long run. So here goes.
My therapist once told me that I deal with anxiety on a daily basis without even realizing that I do so. I stand there frantically juggling a hundred balls saying “What, this?? Everybody does this!” But the reality is that it’s not normal to juggle a hundred balls, nor is it normal to expect that of myself. And yet, I cannot seem to stop. I add more and more balls without really understanding where my boundaries are. It wasn’t until I experienced a traumatic event that caused all the balls to crash to the ground that I’ve even been able to identify them. There’s the one for being a single Mom, one for the bills that always seem to be larger than my paychecks, one for my ex-husband stress, one for my job(s), one for the long list of home repairs that I am not skilled enough to do myself and not rich enough to pay someone to do for me. Then I add one for my Mom’s illness and one for the guilt I feel because my Dad is dealing with it all on his own. And just when you’d think I’ve got my hands full already, I added a ball (or twelve) when CCB ended our relationship. Stressed much??
And just when I was barely holding on, I became the victim of a violent crime and it completely shattered my world. In the hours immediately following my attack, I reached out to my friends and to the professionals that could help me. But once I was released from the hospital and the police report was made, I naively (stupidly?) made the decision to go on with life as if nothing had happened. I thought I could continue juggling and discovered in a dramatic way that I couldn’t. Every ball I was juggling crashed to the ground and I came to a complete halt. My friends and family expressed concern (my sweet sister, with her intuitive nature, actually lost sleep over me.) In the end, it was actually my supervisor at work who noticed an abrupt decline in my usual high level of performance and encouraged me to get some help.
I stopped and took stock of my situation. I hibernated and took a lot of long, hot baths. I talked to my therapist, my friends, and my family. I leaned on anyone who offered their help to me. Before the attack, I met a really cool guy who was both a security consultant and a bond enforcement agent (the phrase “bounty hunter” is so played out, apparently), and to say that he made me feel safe is an understatement. He’d show up at my house with his gun and his taser and hold me in his huge, muscled arms while I slept. In the weeks after the attack, it was the only solid sleep I got. He educated me about how to feel safe again in my home, and reminded me that I was in no way responsible for what happened to me. And slowly, surely, I began to heal.
I am now returning to my former self. I am utilizing the organizational skills that have served me well over the years and am making lists that are helping me restore sanity to my life. My home is becoming my refuge again, and I am finding my way out of this fog. I am spending time with my beautiful daughter, my supportive friends and my loving family. I am finding more and more things to laugh about and I am recognizing my soul again.
It’s a good start.
My heart goes out to you, and my prayers also. It sounds like you’ve made steps in the right direction. May God bless you with peace.
I have no words but I will keep you in my thoughts and hopes that you are whole again. Thank you for sharing.
I wondered what was happening when you stopped blogging. I stumbled across your blog a few months ago and have been reading it since. The title drew me, since I’m also a Utah transplant from afar. I’m so sorry about what happened to you. It’s not fair and it makes me all kinds of angry at whoever did it. I hope you continue to heal and find peace again.
I am so sorry to hear about your attack…
Not sure what all happened to you..
I had a guy break in once.. and that alone
was terrifying. Please know my heart goes
out to you. <3
I stopped blogging. Lisa (therapist) suggested it.
And I have to say, I think it was wise. Certain people
who read my blog would then try to run my life.
Some days I have a hard enough time making decisions,
but then add those people telling me what to do..
big time stress.
I love you friend. If you ever need to talk, I am here.
I am so happy to hear you are on the right track.
p.s . and I am so proud of you for sharing. I know how difficult that can be.
I’m so glad you are back. I hope things will get a lot better for you soon.
ANDI!!! Okay so I see you oh in the car…I know you are freakin 2 houses away…I have no excuse!!! I see your daughter once a week!!! Seriously what happened????
Attacked? That’s not cool. Do you have any idea who it was?
I’ll be coming to SLC with a full complement of tools in a couple weeks. Do I need to bring a shovel?
Glad to see you’re back. You are one amazingly strong woman.
I’ve been worried about you and appreciate you sharing what happened. You are a strong, amazing woman, and I’m so proud of you!
Andi, I had no idea. I’m so sorry… If you ever need company you know where to find me. (Probably in a bottle of Yellow Tail, but I’d totally sober up for you.)
I am so sorry to hear that you had a rough time. I hope you weren’t hurt during that attack. It scares me to think of someone trying to hurt you. If you ever need to talk, you know I am here for you. I love to read your blogs, just haven’t done it for a long time, and today I found out you were attack?? I love you dearly, Andi.
Have to say. I clicked your face because you look so much like all my neices or cousins and two of my sisters and one of myself. But particularly, I thought of me. Then I read your (this one) and I became angry and said to myself “so what? I’ve got a violent crime onto my brain every other day of my life until for the past 16 years (not a joke) until recently”. Then I softened and forgave your for not using words I could relate too. I am truly sorry for your anger and shame…you should NEVER have to feel any such thing for ANYTHING like the above. My plight is a schiz brain that never quits for having so many, too many violent head injuries from the time I was 6 years old until 45…some 18-22 skull crashes or fractures or bamWhamming husbandry with unintended senselessness or just a plain wrong way kid with an angry baseball bat in his huge hand against my tiny 5th grade brain.
You have a good brain. I’m just sorry you don’t know YET.