A Thousand Miles From The Place I Was Born

Wow, is it just me, or did 2008 completely fly by? I think the older I get, the faster time slips past me. I remember when I was a kid and counting down to some momentous occasion (which was often quite UN-momentous, like counting the days until Mom would do her grocery shopping and would buy us each a candy bar to eat on the way home). Now, when something seems SO FAR AWAY, I just calmly remind myself that it will be here before I know it. And the thing is, I’m always right.

So as we near the end of 2008, everyone is getting all misty-eyed and recollecting the “Best Of” the past year. I’ve never really been one to hang out in the past, so I’m not going to jump on that bandwagon. I will say, however, that 2008 is momentous because it is the year that I started this blog and discovered something new about myself. I discovered that I have a voice that some people (for reasons still unknown to me) think is funny or relevant. I have discovered that it’s possible to become friends with people you’ve never met. I’ve also been reminded that even though the world is mostly a degenerate mess, there are some very kind, gentle souls on the Internets and it makes me feel good to know that evil does not conquer all.

That said, it’s time to turn to 2009. I love making New Year’s Resolutions and I always look forward to January 15th when I can officially say that I’ve broken every single one. But not this year. I’ve really come to the point in my life when I’m tired of the way things are and I’m going to really make a change this year. And unlike previous years, I’m putting this out there for all of you to see and read. That is called Accountability, folks, and I’m hoping it’s the incentive necessary to get my butt in gear.

The issue I struggle with the most is my weight. Every year, I commit to losing weight and every year, I fail. Well, not every year… some years, I do quite well. About 4 years ago, I lost a considerable amount of weight and kept it off for nearly a year. Now, all but a small fraction of that weight is back, and I am more depressed than ever. Last week, I tried to put on a pair of jeans and they were too tight for me to fasten. I know this happens to women everywhere, and we all deal with it, but these jeans were not only my “Fat Jeans”, but one size UP from the fat jeans. These were my “Fatter Jeans”. And now those are too small. To say that I am disgusted with myself is an understatement.

I know how to lose weight. I do it well, actually. I just get to the point where I’ve lost weight and I think “whew… I can slack off now”, and before you know it, the old habits creep in and I’m gaining again. It’s time to make a change. Last night, I grabbed a lipstick and wrote my resolutions out on my bathroom mirror. They will stay there until I figure out how to do this permanently (sorry, CCB, you might want to use the guest bathroom mirror instead). This is what I wrote:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

NO PEPSI
NO JUNK

MOVE TODAY!!!!

I have eliminated Pepsi from my diet, cold turkey. I know the sugar isn’t good for me, but even in its Diet form, it’s unhealthy. I understand the correlation between caffeine and cortisol production, which in turn, makes your body store fat. So no Pepsi. No caffeine. I will have miserable headaches for the next two weeks, but I can do this. I’ve done it before. No Pepsi.

I am going to stop eating junk. If I feel snacky, I’m going to grab a carrot or an apple or a handful of Kashi crackers. They’re in my house, I just don’t eat them and that’s silly. So from now on, I will choose the healthier option. No junk.

I am going to get back into a regular exercise program. I’ve mentioned my lousy knee on occasion, and it is a serious issue when considering exercise. I know I need to have another arthroscopy and meniscus repair, but I’m certain that this time, they will have to remove the small amount of meniscus that remains which will mean that the next step will be a knee replacement. I’m not ready for that, so I’m holding out as long as I can with the frayed/torn meniscus that remains in my knee. This is probably the only thing about me that truly makes CCB angry, because he hates seeing me in pain. But I will not make myself a candidate for a knee replacement at my age. In five years or ten years, maybe. But for now, if I can cope with the pain, I will. I just need to find a way to move every day without causing it more pain. For now, that means walking. And you know what? It doesn’t matter how fast I walk (if I can only tolerate 3.0 mph, who cares?!?) or how long I walk. What matters is that I move more than I am currently moving, and that I continue to advance my exercise as much as I can tolerate. Every day, I will choose some sort of activity. Move today!

I am not making this resolution because I want to wear a smaller size of jeans. I’m not making it because I want Tyler to be proud of me, because he already loves every single inch of me, even the cellulite. This is because I don’t feel healthy anymore. I am in pain every single day. Right now, I am counting four spots on my body that are hurting, and incidentally, none of them are my bad knee. My weight is causing me to feel horrible physically and mentally. I know I am better than this. The picture of me on my “About Andi” page was not even my lowest weight, and I was wearing clothes in that picture that were 3 sizes smaller than I’m wearing today. Enough is enough!

I would say wish me luck, but luck will have nothing to do with this. If you’d like to wish me something, wish me strength and determination. Because that’s what I’m going to need the most.

To be continued…