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Resolutions, My Butt

Jan 5th, 2010 by Andi

Hallelujah, 2009 is OVER! It was the year that sucketh, and I’m glad to see it go. It did, however, end in a really awesome and unexpected way for me when my new friend (whom I will call Music Man) invited me to spend both Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve with him. It was far better to spend the holidays having fun than to spend them alone and feeling sorry for myself, and I think he understood that. He’s a great guy, and I’m really enjoying his company. Oh, and he reads the blog, so I’m going to stop talking about him now.

So if you peruse the internets, you’re likely to find a million posts in which people are detailing their resolutions for 2010. I think that’s kind of silly, to be honest. I mean, if you are serious about making a change in your life, why do you need to wait until January to do it? I have things that I want to accomplish over the next year, but they are the same goals I have had for the last several months — mainly to get my shit together, be healthier, and be a better Mom to Lauren. Easy peasy, eh?

Nevertheless, I understand that some people may not be as together as I am, and might just be struggling with their making their own resolutions. Perhaps they don’t know what goals to make, or how to go about achieving them. Well, people — as always, I am here to help. I have made my list of all-purpose resolutions. Feel free to choose any or all of them for yourself.

  • Stop driving slow in the fast lane. That is the left-hand lane, for those of you who don’t know. I realize that you believe that you are setting a good example by going EXACTLY the speed limit in that lane, but I like to go a little faster. And that’s just between me and the Highway Patrol, so let it go. Move your hiney over and let me pass you. Thanks.
  • When shopping, please be mindful of where you are in relation to the people around you. It’s not polite to stop your cart in the middle of the aisle while you flip through your massive stack of coupons, making it impossible for me to move around you. And when you look up and see that I am coming toward you, do NOT go back to your coupons, thereby forcing me to announce my presence by saying “Excuse me!” You will only piss me off.
  • If you suffer from allergies or any other upper respiratory ailment, please do not snort, hack or gag on your secretions in my presence. I am a nurse and can deal with bodily secretions on a daily basis, but that grosses me out, dude! Knock it off!
  • Pull up your pants. No one wants to see your underwear, and that look is so 2000 anyway.
  • Just make an ATTEMPT to act like a parent when you’re out in public with your kids. I’m a parent and I take care of kids for a living, and yet I still want to smack the crap out of yours when they scream in the middle of the grocery store. Ignoring them isn’t going to make the situation any better, and it’s going to make you look like an idiot to me. I would appreciate a “shhh, honey” so I can tell that you are at least aware of the situation.
  • Stop making screwed up faces in pictures. You are not a gangster and it’s not sexy.
  • When you are waiting for an elevator, please allow the people to exit the car before you enter. Trust me, you will make it on before the doors close. And if you don’t, just push the button and WHOA! They will open again. There’s no need to crush the poor occupants of the car because you have a panic disorder.
  • Stop using Facebook to a) declare your love for your significant other in EVERY SINGLE STATUS UPDATE, and/or b) describe in detail what you are doing. I don’t care what you’re making for dinner, or what you’re watching on TV. If you violate this rule more than once, you will be hidden from my feed.
  • Stop complaining that your husband wants to have sex with you. If it’s that excruciating, one or both of you is doing it wrong. Be grateful that you have someone to share your life with, and if it’s not as awesome as you want it to be, get some help. But stop whining to me, your only single friend. Thanks much.
  • And last but not least, ENOUGH WITH THE TWILIGHT CRAP! First of all, neither of the actors that play Edward and Jacob are even REMOTELY attractive (ripped abs do not a sexy man make) and you should be embarrassed that you are acting like an idiot over FICTIONAL CHARACTERS that were written for teenagers! Meanwhile, you have a flesh and blood man in your house who would love to have even a fraction of that attention. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ok, so there you go. If any of these apply to you, please PLEASE pick one of these resolutions and stick to it like glue, ok? You’ll be doing me (and everyone else) a huge favor.

Much love,
Andi

Posted in Curiosities, Everyday, Resolution | 6 Comments »

Problem Solved

Dec 19th, 2009 by Andi

Now, I know this is going to elicit groans from all of you, but I’m one of those people who likes to get my Christmas shopping done way early – like before Halloween if I can manage it. Sure, there are always a few last-minute things that I pick up, because I invariably forget a few people on my list (like my “Secret Santa” gift at work, or something for my ex from my daughter.) But for the most part, I manage to avoid the last-minute frantic rush to finish my shopping. However, I know that many of you are mired in that chaos even as we speak, so I’m going to get all “Holiday Spirit” on your ass and help you out. Because I’m a phenomenal human being, of course. Here you go:

For the woman in your life:

For the man in your life:

Really, why just say “Merry Christmas” when you can say “There’s somethin’ funky going on in your nether regions”?

You are welcome, people.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Reincarnation

Dec 17th, 2009 by Andi

NOW do you believe???

105drwk

Posted in Curiosities, Everyday | 2 Comments »

Listen to This! Them Crooked Vultures

Dec 13th, 2009 by Andi

What do you get when you cross Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters) with Josh Homme (Kyuss, Queens of The Stone Age) and John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin)???

Freakin’ awesomeness, that’s what!!

Check out this video for “Nobody Loves Me and Neither Do I” from Them Crooked Vultures. Then RUN to iTunes and download it for yourself.

You are welcome.

Posted in Everyday, Happiness is..., Listen To This | 2 Comments »

The Fine Art of Juggling

Nov 29th, 2009 by Andi

It’s been well over a month since I last posted, and many of you have expressed your concern. I have been a little overwhelmed with life lately, but I’m starting to put the pieces back together. It has taken me weeks to feel even remotely ready to blog about it, and I’m not still sure that I’m ready. I struggle to find the words to describe what I have been dealing with, and I struggle with whether or not this is an appropriate place to discuss it. But this blog has always been a sort of therapy for me, and I know that bringing it to this forum will only serve to heal me in the long run. So here goes.

My therapist once told me that I deal with anxiety on a daily basis without even realizing that I do so. I stand there frantically juggling a hundred balls saying “What, this?? Everybody does this!” But the reality is that it’s not normal to juggle a hundred balls, nor is it normal to expect that of myself. And yet, I cannot seem to stop. I add more and more balls without really understanding where my boundaries are. It wasn’t until I experienced a traumatic event that caused all the balls to crash to the ground that I’ve even been able to identify them. There’s the one for being a single Mom, one for the bills that always seem to be larger than my paychecks, one for my ex-husband stress, one for my job(s), one for the long list of home repairs that I am not skilled enough to do myself and not rich enough to pay someone to do for me. Then I add one for my Mom’s illness and one for the guilt I feel because my Dad is dealing with it all on his own. And just when you’d think I’ve got my hands full already, I added a ball (or twelve) when CCB ended our relationship. Stressed much??

And just when I was barely holding on, I became the victim of a violent crime and it completely shattered my world. In the hours immediately following my attack, I reached out to my friends and to the professionals that could help me. But once I was released from the hospital and the police report was made, I naively (stupidly?) made the decision to go on with life as if nothing had happened. I thought I could continue juggling and discovered in a dramatic way that I couldn’t. Every ball I was juggling crashed to the ground and I came to a complete halt. My friends and family expressed concern (my sweet sister, with her intuitive nature, actually lost sleep over me.) In the end, it was actually my supervisor at work who noticed an abrupt decline in my usual high level of performance and encouraged me to get some help.

I stopped and took stock of my situation. I hibernated and took a lot of long, hot baths. I talked to my therapist, my friends, and my family. I leaned on anyone who offered their help to me. Before the attack, I met a really cool guy who was both a security consultant and a bond enforcement agent (the phrase “bounty hunter” is so played out, apparently), and to say that he made me feel safe is an understatement. He’d show up at my house with his gun and his taser and hold me in his huge, muscled arms while I slept. In the weeks after the attack, it was the only solid sleep I got. He educated me about how to feel safe again in my home, and reminded me that I was in no way responsible for what happened to me. And slowly, surely, I began to heal.

I am now returning to my former self. I am utilizing the organizational skills that have served me well over the years and am making lists that are helping me restore sanity to my life. My home is becoming my refuge again, and I am finding my way out of this fog. I am spending time with my beautiful daughter, my supportive friends and my loving family. I am finding more and more things to laugh about and I am recognizing my soul again.

It’s a good start.

Posted in Everyday | 13 Comments »

The Secret Life of Wasps

Oct 10th, 2009 by Andi

Ok, first things first. You all expressed so much interest in the “new friend” that I mentioned in the last post that I just had to tell you what a strange experience that turned out to be. He was a nice enough guy who just so happened to think that using 150 adjectives in every single sentence might be the best way to communicate. For instance, this was one of his lines: “I am sweetly interested in the conversational pleasures of women.” What the WHAT?!?! I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt, even gently suggesting that he tone it down a notch or a hundred, but it didn’t quite sink in. So it’s a “NO” from me, Piers.

I’m still putting myself out there and hopefully will find a normal guy soon. But in the meantime, my friend Kim lent me her hubby, John for some winterizing at my home. He was in the process of weeding and mulching my flower beds when he (or more precisely, Kim’s son Bailey) noticed a large number of wasps flying in and out of the sprinkler box in my flower bed. John was brave enough to pry open the box and this is what he found.

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That certainly qualifies as the biggest hive I’ve ever seen in my life. Needless to say, there was a tiny itty bitty swarm-like event, and a little bit of screaming and grown men and women running for their life. But when all was said and done, the abandoned hive ended up being a fascinating thing to look at.

007

Thanks, John and Bailey, for finding it and destroying it!

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

The Reason Why I’m So Groggy In The Morning

Sep 26th, 2009 by Andi

Lately, I’ve been getting by on just 3-4 hours of sleep a night. That worked fine for me once — you know, when I was in COLLEGE!! I’m not quite as resilient as I used to be, apparently. My fibro is flaring up and I’m dozing off in the middle of answering emails. And yet, every night it seems like I get less and less sleep. Whatever could possibly be the source of such distraction, you ask?

Let’s just call him a “new friend” and leave it at that, k?

Posted in Everyday, Happiness is... | 5 Comments »

A Few Seasons Too Late

Sep 22nd, 2009 by Andi

Lately, I’ve been doing some spring cleaning, literally and figuratively. Yes, I know it’s not Spring. It just so happens that Autumn always feels like a fresh start, I think. It’s back-to-school time and it always brings up memories of fresh narrow-ruled paper, new crayons and sharpened pencils, and the crisp freshness in the air. I would much rather “Spring Clean” in the fall, because that’s when it feels right to me. Plus, the end of my relationship with Tyler has put me in the mood for new things.

In any event, I have started styling my hair a little shorter, a little darker and a little spikier. The most common compliments I get are that it brings out my eyes and makes me look spunky/sassy/adorable. I agree. It has given me a boost of confidence right when I needed it. I am unafraid — openly flirting with guys and ready for anything that life brings me. I know I’m beautiful, smart and funny, and if a guy doesn’t think that I fit with his idea of a woman, I couldn’t care less. There are men out there who think I’m gorgeous and who would be thrilled to spend time with me. I’m just going to take my time and look for them. And in the meantime, I’m going to flirt with every cute guy I see. INCLUDING that super hot security guard at work who just started working in the guard shack. Oh my heavens, he’s a tall drink of water! Next time he waves at me as I enter the hospital, I’m going to wave back. And maybe wink.

Speaking of guys, I’ve been asked out on a date already. I like him and I think he’s cute, but I can’t seem to find the time (honestly!) to get together with him. It will happen soon, though, and you’ll all hear about it when it does. Be kind to him, though — he reads my blog!

As far as my house goes, I’ve borrowed a husband (thanks, Kim!) and have given him a Honey-Do list to help me winterize my home. He’s going to do the stuff that I can’t, and within a few weeks, my yard will be fertilized, my gutters cleaned, my window wells secured, my flower beds weeded and mulched, my garage and basement cleaned and organized, and all my patio furniture safely stored away for the winter. And when that happens, I have the card table and the jigsaw puzzles ready to go. Lauren and I will cuddle up at night with mugs of hot chocolate and piece them together, one after another, as we hibernate the winter away.

Sounds like a fresh start to me!

Posted in Everyday, Grace in Small Things, Happiness is... | 8 Comments »

Cramping More Than My Style

Sep 17th, 2009 by Andi

I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf and get back in shape, and I thought the best way to accomplish that would be to do some sort of physical exercise that was fun to me. So without any expense or any time commitment, I turned on my iPod, cranked up the volume and started dancing my butt off. Hopefully literally.

This song came up on rotation and holy sheebie, did I bust a move! I mean to tell you, I got JIGGY with it! If my daughter had been present, I would have embarrassed her! It was quite a scene, let me tell you.

And now?? I am sore in places I forgot I had, and my butt doesn’t seem to have changed at all.

Crap.

Posted in Everyday, Happiness is..., Listen To This | 2 Comments »

Meet Carly

Sep 14th, 2009 by Andi

I should be working on the schedule this morning, but instead I am cuddling my very sick little girl (who loves when she gets to be in Momma’s cozy bed, even if it means she’s sick) and entertaining myself by reading blogs. I’m confident I will meet the schedule deadline later this week, but right now my baby needs me. And I needed this:

One of my favorite blogs, Pacing The Panic Room, just posted this piece about a young girl named Carly Fleischmann from Canada, and I was instantly charmed by her.

One of my dearest friends has a 15 year old son, Caleb, with autism. I have always admired her strength and determination when it comes to caring for him and finding new ways to connect with him. I know that it is easier to assume that there is nothing beyond what is visible to the eye, that there is no cognitive awareness behind the flapping arms and the incomprehensible squeals. But maybe, just maybe, there is a functioning spirit trapped in that poorly functioning body. A person who cannot make their body communicate in the way they want to. I cannot imagine a more terrible thing than being a prisoner inside your own body.

I think it’s time we started to become more aware of those who suffer from this horrible condition. For Carly and Caleb, and all the others like them.

Carly’s Blog

Follow Carly on Twitter

Be a Fan of Carly on Facebook

Posted in Everyday, Grace in Small Things, Happiness is..., Watch This | 3 Comments »

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