I was driving home from taking Lauren to school this morning when “Over You” by Daughtry came on my iPod. For the record, I am less a fan of Daughtry’s music and more a fan of his body, but that’s another post for another day. In any event, I have heard this song a dozen or so times, but this time, I finally listened to the words — in particular, this verse:
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
That last line really resonated with me. Although I never will understand the manner in which CCB broke off our engagement, I can agree now that it was the best thing for both of us. I realize that his purpose in my life was to help me heal from the wounds from my failed marriage — to make me truly believe that I was beautiful and worthy of love. He left me with a confidence that has allowed me to hold my head high and move on. I have discovered that although I am certainly flawed, my confidence and self-esteem are highly attractive to men. I have literally never dated like this in my entire life. In the past, I pretty much dated the men who wanted to date me first. If they weren’t necessarily my “type”, I would try to mold them into what I wanted — and we know how successful that strategy is! These days, however, I am sorting through the available guys and turning away those who don’t fit my needs. If we go out once or twice and I’m not feeling any chemistry, I move on. With a unapologetic yet kind manner, I tell them “Thanks, but no thanks.” Some remain friends, most do not. But what I learn from all of this is that I am worthy of waiting for the one who is right for me. I don’t need to settle for anyone who shows me a little affection. (This is an epiphany, ya’ll. My sister will cheer loudly when she reads this!!) So I decided that I would date just for the sheer fun of it (meaning free dinners and movies, people — I’m not a floozy!) and in no way, shape or form would I fall in love with anyone. I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend or a long-term relationship and I surely was not looking for a husband. Just a friend. That’s all.
And then I met Music Man — I call him this because he is one. He’s a talented musician and, like me, a shameless audiophile. His brain is full of useless music trivia, too, and often times, he’s the only one who understands my Facebook status when I quote song lyrics. In any event, we clicked immediately and began to see each other regularly. Because we were both alone over Christmas and New Year’s, Music Man invited me to spend some time with him. At first, it didn’t seem odd to me that we would be hanging out over the holidays — mainly because I didn’t read too much into it. But when I would mention it to my friends, they would all gasp and say, “You’ve already spent two holidays together?” To everyone else, it seemed very “relationshippy”. And holy crap, I did NOT want “relationshippy”. So instead of chilling out and being cool with my new friend and all the fun he brought with him, I kind of had a little freak-out around the first of the year and decided I probably needed to back off a little bit. Whether he agreed or just sensed my incredible psychosis, he backed off too and we had a few weeks with only minimal contact, and mainly on Facebook at that. It was enough of a breather to make me forget what I was so freaked out about, and when he asked me out again, I was ready to see him. VERY ready.
Fast forward to today: we have been seeing each other for a few months now. I have met his friends (all of whom liked me and were very sweet to welcome me into the “family”) and he has met Lauren. I knew it was a big step to introduce him to my daughter, and I didn’t take it lightly. I didn’t present him as my boyfriend and I didn’t compare him to her father or to CCB. I just simply said that my friend was going to be joining us for dinner and completely downplayed the whole thing. She really liked him, however, and in her completely intuitive and very mature manner, told me that if I ever decided that I wanted Music Man to be my boyfriend, she would be okay with that. While we are dating each other exclusively, and there is clearly a great deal of respect and affection between us, neither of us have been willing to take the extra step and call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”. And that’s ok with me, even if all of our friends think we’re crazy for not admitting it.
My birthday is the day after tomorrow, and Valentine’s Day follows close after that. Big relationship moments, you know? We are going out to dinner on my birthday (for my birthday, according to him) and while I begged him to not make a big deal out of it, I’m sure he won’t treat it like any other date. It remains to be seen whether or not he will address Valentine’s Day, but I’m prepared either way because I’m smart like that. He’s the only one I want to spend my birthday and Valentine’s Day with, but don’t read anything into that. I’m just totally into him and digging everything about him and excited to learn more about him. That’s all. That doesn’t make him my boyfriend or anything. And don’t expect my relationship status on Facebook to change any time soon.
Unless he changes his, of course.
