I know I left everyone hanging for days after the last post, and I’m truly sorry. I was absolutely shocked by the turn of events, and I needed several days to wrap my brain around it. But now I am doing so much better that I think it’s time to fill all of you in on the details.
A few weeks ago, a dialogue opened between Tyler and I that had a very familiar refrain. It went something like: “When do you think you’ll be moving here?” and “Honey, it takes time!” and “But it’s been three years!” and “I know you need me there, but you’re just going to have to be patient a little longer.” We’ve been down that bumpy road before, and it always ended with Tyler reassuring me that he loved me, that he very much wanted to live here in Utah with me, and that he would be here before I knew it. And every other time before, I curled up and purred under the soothing stroke of his hand and waited to see what the future would bring. But this time, I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wasn’t true. A nagging voice in the back of my head that wouldn’t allow me to believe him. So I told him so. I very calmly told him that I didn’t believe that he had any intention of coming to Utah, now or ever.
He was silent.
This is how Tyler works. When confronted with something he cannot (or doesn’t yet know how to) argue, he clams up. Nothing. Not a peep. And that’s when I knew I had struck on the truth.
Two days later, he finally found his words and told me that he would not be moving here. Ever. He realized that it meant that our relationship was over and he was very sorry if that hurt me. He was quiet and solemn. No tears, no emotion. Cut and dry. When I pressed him to understand why, the best he could tell me is that he didn’t want to see his daughter less frequently than he sees her now. He said, “She would be fine, I know that… but I wouldn’t be. I would miss her too much.” And that, my friends, is an argument I will not win.
I love his daughter and miss her terribly. I know she misses us too (especially her dog, Sam) and I am saddened that Tyler chose this path that ended up affecting not just the two of us, but our girls as well. We knew years ago that in order to be together, one of us would have to sacrifice more than was comfortable, but that it would be worth it to have the life that we wanted – the family that we created together. I sacrificed as much as I could (legally), and it was up to Tyler to do the rest. In the end, he decided that the sacrifices outweighed the benefits. I can’t argue with that decision.
When the reality sank in and I began to understand that I would never see him again, I grieved mightily. I loved and still love this man with all my heart. He was, if there ever was a definition of the word, my soul mate. I know I will never find anyone as suited for me as him. That said, I believe that love isn’t enough.
I tried to hold myself together by the fragile wispy strands of sanity that remained, and I moved about my life with my head held high and only the red rims of my eyes to give away my inner turmoil. I found myself crying less about Tyler and more about the enormous outpouring of love and support from my friends. After the last post (and a quickie status update on Facebook about the stupid clerk at the grocery store commenting on the amount of ice cream in my cart), I received DOZENS of comments, emails, phone calls and texts – even a very thoughtful gift basket of ice cream toppings! Every one of those friends were saying the same thing: “We love you. We are here for you. You are beautiful and you are strong and you are loved.”
I am loved.
I found myself cuddling my daughter more, feeling her sweet breath on my neck as she curled up next to me and knowing that on this planet, no one soothes her better than me. I am her Mom. I gave her life. I nurtured her inside my body and fed her from my breast and no one on earth loves me in the same way that she does.
I found myself opening up my emotions more to my friends and finding that instead of cringing away from that, they opened up themselves to me in return. I have been held and comforted by women who have proven their love for me in ways I will never forget.
I have realized that even though most of the people who read my words have never met me, they care about me and consider me a part of their lives. The generous comments on the last post (and the phone number that I have yet to use) have made me realize that my circle of friends is larger than I ever imagined.
So here is what I know:
- I am beautiful, inside and out.
- I am intelligent and kind and funny and a total catch for anyone who is smart enough to realize that.
- I am capable of taking care of myself and my daughter without anyone’s help.
- I am happy. And I sincerely hope he can say the same.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You are by far the greatest group of people I have ever known, and I love each and every one of you.
Now. Let’s get on with life, shall we?
